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Fic: Attribution
Attribution - Criminal Minds - Spencer Reid/Derek Morgan - Words: 1,692
Written for Angst Bingo; Prompt: Using Others or Being Used
Summary: Even as FBI profilers their understanding of each other is limited by their own experiences.
Content Notes: None. R.
On AO3: Attribution
Spencer dropped back on the bed, his head meeting the mattress where the pillow usually sat; it had been shoved from its place shortly after Spencer had crawled up to the head of the bed and shifted around to see his lover. He had one arm draped over his eyes to block out the light, he was always hyper sensitive to stimuli post orgasm, and had pressed the other hand against the center of his chest. He could feel his ribs and his breast bone, the beat of his heart as it slowed back toward a normal rhythm and the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. His throat felt tight and slightly raw, and his hand slid up to rest against his collarbone and touch the softer flesh there.
"Okay in there?" Derek asked, his voice seeming unnaturally loud in the space of Spencer's bedroom, as if it was echoing off the walls and rebounding upon itself. "Spencer?"
"Fine," Spencer said before remembering that 'fine' wasn't really something you were supposed to say after sex. "Good, I'm good." He felt rather than heard Derek's sigh.
Derek rested his hand on Spencer's elbow, the contact seeming unfamiliar and uncertain and downright uncomfortable after how close they'd been only few minutes before. "I worry about you sometimes, pretty boy. I worry about us."
Spencer opened his eyes, his eyelashes scraping against the skin on the underside of his forearm. He supposed it was a good thing that he and Derek talked so much, that they were always hyper aware of each other and able to read each others moods at a glance. It was a lot better than some of the misunderstandings he'd had with people who didn't get that he wasn't ignoring them if he wasn't looking at them while they spoke or didn't respond right away, or who hadn't understood the times when he had to dash off to research something right then or was late for a date because he'd gotten distracted. Derek understood all of those things, and so much more, but sometimes Spencer thought that Derek didn't really understand him at all. It made Spencer wonder, for all the things he know about Derek, how much he still didn't understand about him.
"Why do you worry?" Spencer finally asked, valiantly fighting back the small part of himself that was panicking and already wanting to ask Derek not to go, not to leave him. He knew that even if he and Derek stopped seeing each other this way, they'd still be friends and coworkers; that had been the priority for both of them before they'd even kissed for the first time. But that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt, if Derek had decided he was too much trouble, or too much worry.
Derek's hand squeezed lightly before retreating. The bed dipped slightly and the sheets rustled.
Spencer pulled his arm away from his eyes, his heart speeding up again as he looked at Derek's bare back. Derek was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head bowed forward in what Spencer read as an almost classic posture of distancing and maybe even grief. "Please don't leave," he said before he could stop himself. He pressed his lips together, too late, wondering why his mouth somehow seemed to move more quickly than his brain if he was supposedly so smart.
Derek sighed again and turned back to Spencer. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm just not sure we should do this anymore."
The quick flicker of Derek's eyes toward Spencer's face and then away told Spencer that Derek was more uncomfortable than he was letting on. "What did I do wrong?" he asked, needing to know. If Derek was going to end this, and Spencer had thought they were doing well despite a few missteps and misconceptions early on, then he had to know what mistake he'd made. With one girl it had been his lack of devoted attention, with his first guy it had been that he was too clingy, and with the next it was that he wasn't physically responsive enough. He couldn't even make a guess at what Derek would say, even though he was usually pretty good at anticipating him. They were both good at that; it was side effect of their jobs and of having worked together for so long.
Derek's head jerked up at Spencer's question and he moved back across the bed in a flurry of motion. He had one of his arms wrapped behind Spencer's back and was pulling him into a rough and tight hug before Spencer had a chance to react.
Spencer shifted slightly in Derek's grasp so that they were more balanced. When he realized that Derek wasn't letting go, Spencer leaned in and placed his head on Derek's shoulder, their bare chests pressed together and their legs tangled beneath them.
"Don't ask that, please," Derek said, his arms tightening around Spencer with the words.
Noticing the warm skin of Derek's shoulder directly under his cheek, Spencer shifted his head so that his eyes were closed again and his eyelids pressed against Derek's neck. He could feel Derek's breathing slow a little and Derek's pulse beating regularly. Being this wrapped up in Derek's arms, so much contact and stimuli and movement was a little difficult, but Spencer knew that Derek wouldn't be holding onto him like this if it wasn't important. The sensations of sex, once he'd learned how to handle them and categorize them, were nice and he enjoyed being touched and touching in that context. But the small intimacies of physical contact outside of that still eluded Spencer to some degree, even if he had gotten a lot better at navigating handshakes from officials they visited and hugs from his teammates. And after engaging in sex, he just needed some time to get back in his own skin again and let his senses reorganize themselves. He shifted in Derek's arms, wanting to pull away but not wanting to do any more damage to his relationship with Derek than had already been done.
Derek seemed to get the message from Spencer's little restless movements and released him, a brief flash of remorse in his expression before he cleared his face. "I'm sorry."
Spencer sighed and wondered if there were any books that could tell him what he was missing here. All of the books on relationships that he'd read, before giving up on his search, had been extremely unscientific and the advice had often been conflicting. He looked to where Derek was now sitting, the shoulder closest to Spencer was hunched in like he was protecting himself but the muscles in his forearm were tense, leading down to where he was holding his hand stiffly open. Body language was something Spencer could read, when he remembered to pay attention, because it was part of his training. Even if he could only make guesses based on Derek's behavior, he couldn't assign meaning without more information. "Why are you feeling guilty?"
"Because I feel like I'm using you," Derek said, raising his head to look at Spencer directly. "I feel like I'm hurting you, and I never intended to do that. That's something I never wanted to do."
Staring, Spencer absently reached up to brush his hair away from where it was trying to fall forward into his eyes. "I don't understand why you'd think that," he said finally. He had some ideas, thoughts that mostly were in the realm of things they never talked about by an unspoken agreement, but he didn't know why Derek was feeling that way in that moment, when things had seemed like they were fine only a few moments before.
Derek was quiet for a long time, and when he spoke the words were so soft that Spencer thought he'd never seen Derek so still and subdued. "I know you have difficulty with touching and being touched, and I respect that and I never want to pressure you into contact you don't want. But, when you withdraw after we have sex, and you won't even look at me or talk to me, I feel like I've hurt you. I feel like, I was using you and it wasn't something you wanted, but when we're-"
"Derek," Spencer said quickly, hearing a lot of what Derek wasn't saying about his own experiences. He reached out and wrapped his fingers gently around Derek's arm, knowing it would be enough to catch his attention. "It's not like that."
"Then what's it like, Spencer?" Derek asked, a bite of anger and sarcasm rising to the surface.
Spencer relaxed a little, he could handle this a little better; anger was Derek's default reaction to intense emotional situations that he didn't know how to handle, but Spencer had more practice getting through to this Derek than the quiet and hunched Derek he'd seen earlier. "After we have sex, the light in the room hurts my eyes, and I'm ultra sensitive to sound and physical contact. All my sensory receptors just seem to switch into overdrive and it takes me a few minutes to get back to an equilibrium."
Derek frowned as he considered the information. "That's it?" he looked up, the uncertainty back in his voice and posture.
"I actually have a few books with research articles describing the phenomena, if you're interested. The chemical process in the body is actually quite fascinating, and-" Spencer stopped as he saw the quirk of a smile at the edge of Derek's mouth. For some reason, starting to go on a tangent about just about any topic he'd researched amused the other man, and Spencer wasn't above using that to his advantage when the situation required it.
"Can I touch you now?" Derek asked, looking down at where Spencer's hand was still resting on his arm.
Spencer nodded, knowing that he could pull away when it became too much, and maybe Derek would understand a little better now that they'd actually sat down and talked. Maybe the talking about feelings thing that all those books recommended wasn't so far off after all.
Written for Angst Bingo; Prompt: Using Others or Being Used
Summary: Even as FBI profilers their understanding of each other is limited by their own experiences.
Content Notes: None. R.
On AO3: Attribution
Spencer dropped back on the bed, his head meeting the mattress where the pillow usually sat; it had been shoved from its place shortly after Spencer had crawled up to the head of the bed and shifted around to see his lover. He had one arm draped over his eyes to block out the light, he was always hyper sensitive to stimuli post orgasm, and had pressed the other hand against the center of his chest. He could feel his ribs and his breast bone, the beat of his heart as it slowed back toward a normal rhythm and the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. His throat felt tight and slightly raw, and his hand slid up to rest against his collarbone and touch the softer flesh there.
"Okay in there?" Derek asked, his voice seeming unnaturally loud in the space of Spencer's bedroom, as if it was echoing off the walls and rebounding upon itself. "Spencer?"
"Fine," Spencer said before remembering that 'fine' wasn't really something you were supposed to say after sex. "Good, I'm good." He felt rather than heard Derek's sigh.
Derek rested his hand on Spencer's elbow, the contact seeming unfamiliar and uncertain and downright uncomfortable after how close they'd been only few minutes before. "I worry about you sometimes, pretty boy. I worry about us."
Spencer opened his eyes, his eyelashes scraping against the skin on the underside of his forearm. He supposed it was a good thing that he and Derek talked so much, that they were always hyper aware of each other and able to read each others moods at a glance. It was a lot better than some of the misunderstandings he'd had with people who didn't get that he wasn't ignoring them if he wasn't looking at them while they spoke or didn't respond right away, or who hadn't understood the times when he had to dash off to research something right then or was late for a date because he'd gotten distracted. Derek understood all of those things, and so much more, but sometimes Spencer thought that Derek didn't really understand him at all. It made Spencer wonder, for all the things he know about Derek, how much he still didn't understand about him.
"Why do you worry?" Spencer finally asked, valiantly fighting back the small part of himself that was panicking and already wanting to ask Derek not to go, not to leave him. He knew that even if he and Derek stopped seeing each other this way, they'd still be friends and coworkers; that had been the priority for both of them before they'd even kissed for the first time. But that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt, if Derek had decided he was too much trouble, or too much worry.
Derek's hand squeezed lightly before retreating. The bed dipped slightly and the sheets rustled.
Spencer pulled his arm away from his eyes, his heart speeding up again as he looked at Derek's bare back. Derek was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head bowed forward in what Spencer read as an almost classic posture of distancing and maybe even grief. "Please don't leave," he said before he could stop himself. He pressed his lips together, too late, wondering why his mouth somehow seemed to move more quickly than his brain if he was supposedly so smart.
Derek sighed again and turned back to Spencer. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm just not sure we should do this anymore."
The quick flicker of Derek's eyes toward Spencer's face and then away told Spencer that Derek was more uncomfortable than he was letting on. "What did I do wrong?" he asked, needing to know. If Derek was going to end this, and Spencer had thought they were doing well despite a few missteps and misconceptions early on, then he had to know what mistake he'd made. With one girl it had been his lack of devoted attention, with his first guy it had been that he was too clingy, and with the next it was that he wasn't physically responsive enough. He couldn't even make a guess at what Derek would say, even though he was usually pretty good at anticipating him. They were both good at that; it was side effect of their jobs and of having worked together for so long.
Derek's head jerked up at Spencer's question and he moved back across the bed in a flurry of motion. He had one of his arms wrapped behind Spencer's back and was pulling him into a rough and tight hug before Spencer had a chance to react.
Spencer shifted slightly in Derek's grasp so that they were more balanced. When he realized that Derek wasn't letting go, Spencer leaned in and placed his head on Derek's shoulder, their bare chests pressed together and their legs tangled beneath them.
"Don't ask that, please," Derek said, his arms tightening around Spencer with the words.
Noticing the warm skin of Derek's shoulder directly under his cheek, Spencer shifted his head so that his eyes were closed again and his eyelids pressed against Derek's neck. He could feel Derek's breathing slow a little and Derek's pulse beating regularly. Being this wrapped up in Derek's arms, so much contact and stimuli and movement was a little difficult, but Spencer knew that Derek wouldn't be holding onto him like this if it wasn't important. The sensations of sex, once he'd learned how to handle them and categorize them, were nice and he enjoyed being touched and touching in that context. But the small intimacies of physical contact outside of that still eluded Spencer to some degree, even if he had gotten a lot better at navigating handshakes from officials they visited and hugs from his teammates. And after engaging in sex, he just needed some time to get back in his own skin again and let his senses reorganize themselves. He shifted in Derek's arms, wanting to pull away but not wanting to do any more damage to his relationship with Derek than had already been done.
Derek seemed to get the message from Spencer's little restless movements and released him, a brief flash of remorse in his expression before he cleared his face. "I'm sorry."
Spencer sighed and wondered if there were any books that could tell him what he was missing here. All of the books on relationships that he'd read, before giving up on his search, had been extremely unscientific and the advice had often been conflicting. He looked to where Derek was now sitting, the shoulder closest to Spencer was hunched in like he was protecting himself but the muscles in his forearm were tense, leading down to where he was holding his hand stiffly open. Body language was something Spencer could read, when he remembered to pay attention, because it was part of his training. Even if he could only make guesses based on Derek's behavior, he couldn't assign meaning without more information. "Why are you feeling guilty?"
"Because I feel like I'm using you," Derek said, raising his head to look at Spencer directly. "I feel like I'm hurting you, and I never intended to do that. That's something I never wanted to do."
Staring, Spencer absently reached up to brush his hair away from where it was trying to fall forward into his eyes. "I don't understand why you'd think that," he said finally. He had some ideas, thoughts that mostly were in the realm of things they never talked about by an unspoken agreement, but he didn't know why Derek was feeling that way in that moment, when things had seemed like they were fine only a few moments before.
Derek was quiet for a long time, and when he spoke the words were so soft that Spencer thought he'd never seen Derek so still and subdued. "I know you have difficulty with touching and being touched, and I respect that and I never want to pressure you into contact you don't want. But, when you withdraw after we have sex, and you won't even look at me or talk to me, I feel like I've hurt you. I feel like, I was using you and it wasn't something you wanted, but when we're-"
"Derek," Spencer said quickly, hearing a lot of what Derek wasn't saying about his own experiences. He reached out and wrapped his fingers gently around Derek's arm, knowing it would be enough to catch his attention. "It's not like that."
"Then what's it like, Spencer?" Derek asked, a bite of anger and sarcasm rising to the surface.
Spencer relaxed a little, he could handle this a little better; anger was Derek's default reaction to intense emotional situations that he didn't know how to handle, but Spencer had more practice getting through to this Derek than the quiet and hunched Derek he'd seen earlier. "After we have sex, the light in the room hurts my eyes, and I'm ultra sensitive to sound and physical contact. All my sensory receptors just seem to switch into overdrive and it takes me a few minutes to get back to an equilibrium."
Derek frowned as he considered the information. "That's it?" he looked up, the uncertainty back in his voice and posture.
"I actually have a few books with research articles describing the phenomena, if you're interested. The chemical process in the body is actually quite fascinating, and-" Spencer stopped as he saw the quirk of a smile at the edge of Derek's mouth. For some reason, starting to go on a tangent about just about any topic he'd researched amused the other man, and Spencer wasn't above using that to his advantage when the situation required it.
"Can I touch you now?" Derek asked, looking down at where Spencer's hand was still resting on his arm.
Spencer nodded, knowing that he could pull away when it became too much, and maybe Derek would understand a little better now that they'd actually sat down and talked. Maybe the talking about feelings thing that all those books recommended wasn't so far off after all.